Subject: Irwin Toys' Unbelievably Stupid Ass Decision Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 00:04:15 -0800 From: Chris Psaros Organization: Dis Newsgroups: alt.fan.dragonball Good Sweet Kami. I'm not sure how many of you have heard about this, but it's pretty horrifying. The bad news goes a little something like this: Irwin Toys will be including *weapons* with a new line of DBZ figures, to be released in the next few months. Piccolo will have a sword. Trunks will have a rocket launcher. And, as if your worst nightmares had not yet been realized... Freeza will come with a machine gun. Whew, and I thought those stupid cotton candy looking balls that Bandai included with their (now thankfully out of print) figure line were stupid. This is just disgusting, and it goes against everything that DBZ is about. It's a complete insult. Weapons of pretty much any type are a _joke_ in DB. They are used very sparingly in the series, and even at that, their purpose is generally nothing more than comic relief. No weapon is a threat, on any level, to any of the principal characters. If Freeza pointed his "big bad machine gun" at Goku, he would get a blank, confused stare in return. I think Raditz pretty much summed it up in episode one when he simply grabbed the farmer's shotgun blast out of the air and threw it back at him at about 5 times the speed. Giving the DBZ characters guns is literally no different than equipping G.I. Joes with rubber bands and crumpled up wads of paper. No one who had anything to do with this decision could have possibly ever seen the show, or even known anything about it. Irwin needs to understand that the fighting in DB is beyond anything in the normal human realm. The "weapons" are the characters themselves, and the abilities that they possess on their own. The power of mind and personal strength are what they utilize, not god damned machine guns and rocket launchers. If I ever see a Goku figure with a GUN in the package, I will buy the thing and burn it in effigy. Weapons don't belong anywhere NEAR him. If they're going to disgrace the characters like this, they might as well package them in their underwear. And ya know who let this happen? Take a wild guess. FUNimation, of course. As further proof that these people don't know what the HFIL they are doing, I would like to quote the following from Gen Fukunaga: "We're very particular that our licensees, when making Dragon Ball products, have to stay true to the original artwork..A lot of time when people make toys and so forth based on animated shows, they really change the look of the character, and that's not right, is it?" Uh, no Gen, it isn't right. In this case, it's about as "wrong" as you can get, in fact. But I guess this is just you being "very particular" again. Does anyone at FUNimation _understand_ the things that Dragon Ball is really about?? Oh well, nothing we can do about it, I guess. Except of course not buy the figures. My brother and I were sitting around one day talking about this "weapons" issue, and we sorta improvised a little skit that I thought was funny enough to pass along. So now, I present to you... "The Meeting of the Irwin Toys Executives!" ********************************************************************* President Jackass, a sleazy, smarmy, 28 year old punk executive, stands at the head of a table where several suited men are gathered to discuss the new DBZ line. Jackass: Gentlemen, I'd like to start this meeting by asking you to take a look at this figure. They call him Frieza. You know what I call him? (annoying pause, followed by annoying hand gesture) I call him "boring." The kids of today want something exciting and dangerous, and I know exactly what our friend Frieza here needs. (turns around, sets down the "new" Machine Gun Frieza. How about that eh? (everyone claps) Jackass: Thank you, thank you. But that's just the beginning, my friends. I'm going to take this boring old line and transform it into something that American kids will just have to get every one of. We're going to bring "gotta catch em all" into the DBZ arena! (more clapping) Take a look at...this. (On an overhead projector, the entire set of DBZ figures appears, tricked out with a bunch of ridiculous crap) How about Scuba Gear Goku here? (gestures) or Rock and Roll Vegeta? I think Outer Space Piccolo will sell great. Now, I haven't actually seen the show, so I don't know if they ever use this stuff, but does it matter? I think it's safe to say that these babies will earn us all a vacaction to Fiji. (the group chuckles and murmurs its approval.) (one of the seated executives, a fat balding guy with glasses pipes in) Fatty: What about vehicles? I haven't seen the show either, but I've heard something about these... (looks down at a file in front of him) "flying capsules"? (Jackass smiles and points) Jackass: I'm glad you asked. Vehicles are a must in any toyline, and this "capsule" thing just isn't going to cut it with American consumers. Gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce to you... The Z Car! (he sets a sleek, red sports car on the table with a big, orange "Z" on the hood.) (everyone claps again) Jackass: All the figures fit into it, it looks great, and hey, just look at it! This baby is irresistible! And that's just for starters. We're also working on the Z Central Playset, the heroes' home base, and where each episode begins. Now, like I said, I haven't actually seen the show, so I can't confirm that, but hey, aren't all these cartoons pretty much the same thing anyway? (more chuckles) And we've also got Chill Mountain, which is a big part of the show, I hear. Say, has anyone here actually SEEN the show? (the group looks at each other, "no" "not me" "why would I watch a kids cartoon?" "ha ha ha ha") Well anyway, Chill Mountain is where Frieza and his henchmen Vegeta and Cell hide out while Frieza comes up with his evil schemes to take over the world. Of course, it never works out, and they always end up back here at the end of each episode with Frieza swearing that "he'll get those Z warriors next time! Next time!" The kids are going to love Chill Mountain, I just know it. (Jackass pauses) So, gentlemen that's pretty much where the DBZ line is headed. I have a feeling we're gonna make Pokémon look like small potatoes. All we've gotta do now is wait for the cash to start rolling in. Congratulations everybody! (everyone stands up and claps) ********************************************************************** Well I don't know, maybe Rock and Roll Vegeta might end up being pretty cool... - Chris